I’m dating. Somebody. It’s pretty surreal. It’s quite thrilling. It’s terrifyingly new.
I actually dated most of 2019. I called forth balanced masculine energy, and I received that most of 2019. It was a beautiful experience with some really beautiful men…I wouldn’t take nothing for the journey. I enjoyed it. Yet, in the latter part of 2019, I gave myself permission to manifest more as it relates to my interactions with men. I spoke that desire. I envisioned it. I breathed life into it. I moved energy around it. And it’s been laid at my feet.
It’s been 10 years, maybe more, since I’ve been in a relationship. I can’t imagine the me I was just four short years ago, being able to manage this pre-relationship zone I’ve been discovering lately. That circa 2016 Kim, while she lived a beautiful life and cultivated a colorful existence…she was not very focused. She was not fully self-aware. She was not totally in touch with her divine self.
This me that I am now, while I am still discovering the depths of my very personal humanity, and while I am yet journeying the vast fields of my blessed existence, this version of me has dared to create sacred space to explore what lies on the other side of this relationship’ish door.
A few of you reading this know his name. A couple of you reading this have met him. Maybe one day soon you all will meet him. But this really ain’t his story or even our story that I’m desiring to tell, just yet. I’m desiring to share how I’ve been and I’m being challenged as I mature and morph into this new and interesting thing that I surely manifested. Here’s the deal… It’s important for me to share this part of my journey with you, cause I don’t wanna share just my mountain top experiences. I recognize that growth is cultivated in the dirt. So let me show y’all some of my tangled roots of self-awareness within this manifestation journey:
- I’m learning him, WHILE I’m still learning me. Cause we should be learning ourselves constantly and consistently. Learning self is a life-long commitment. And it’s not an inherent doing, cause sometimes we choose to not see ourselves as this dynamic being…it’s much easier and more comfortable for us to remain in a stagnant state. In choosing to experience this totally new human in my life on an intimate and dynamic level, requires learning him. Learning him plus learning me, PLUS learning us together…dis tew much lol. Yet, it is a dance that must transpire, if I am to nurture growth.
- I’m finding it difficult to create space for him in my world. The only person I’ve ever had to create space for in this world, was and still is (to some degree), my 18 year old daughter, Maddie. And that was and is an instinctual movement. This whole considering somebody else’s opinion, checking in, moving in tangent, all that on this partnership level…it’s new to me and I don’t always know how to comfortably maneuver from this angle.
- I am giving myself permission to revel in the bliss that accompanies me in my interactions with him. Black women, we don’t always give ourselves room to carry heightened experiences. Sometimes, when we do cultivate that audacity, we marry it with shame and guilt, robbing ourselves of the beauty of the moment, thereby diminishing the brilliance of the experience. I did that, and still find myself going there. When I find myself about to take that sabotage trip complete with baggage, books, and bias, I walk myself back, unpack my bags, toss aside my books and any other form of entertainment that seeks to keep me company, and I dig deep into my self-serving bias that allowed me space to think that I was undeserving in the first place.
What I know now: I like him, we share very similar passions-so we can talk for hours, he makes me feel safe, he considers me, and that’s fully enough…for now.